I met Guruji around the year of 2011, when I was around 26 years of age. I could say I was completely lost in life, and did not have a great sense of who I was, or living with the real satisfaction. On the outside, it may have seemed that I was living a great life: I had a nice job, had completed my Masters, my parents were both alive, I was in good health, and travelling a lot. However, when I met Guruji, I had so much confusion and also so much of guilt I was carrying at a pretty young age of 26. The guilt came out of some of my past experiences with an ex-boyfriend, and the cultural conditions I had held on to in my mind about why it was “bad” to have a boyfriend/relations with any boy for that matter without being married. This was the first time I realized that I was looking for love in the wrong place. At that time, I did not have an open relationship with my parents. We did not openly express feelings or affection. I felt I could not go to them with my problems, and it’s probably because I felt guilty about certain things. However, Guruji helped me to realize that parents always love their children unconditionally. He helped me get over the feeling of embarrassment/awkwardness with talking openly to my parents. The first time I spoke to Guruji one-on-one, (which felt like 30 minutes, but actually he spent probably more than 6 hours just talking to me alone), I went and asked forgiveness to each of my parents. I asked forgiveness from my parents, and showed them the gratitude for all of their unconditional love. I cried, they cried, and I hugged them for the first time in YEARS. I felt such a great sense of relief. For the first time, I felt so light and internally happy.
Faith
The experiences with a GURU, a MASTER, cannot simply be put into words. It’s something you have to live through and completely go through on your own; at least, this has been my experience. The FAITH is of utmost importance when working with the Guru. In the past, I really did not know the true meaning of faith. I had confusion with regards to faith and religion. I was exposed to both Christianity and Hindu religions through my parents. I understood religion to be equal to faith. Now, I see all religions as a tool to build up faith and connect with a great energy. Again, my cultural mindset influenced me on how to even PRAY. I used to pray to Jesus, but then I thought I should pray to “hindu” Gods because I should have the same faith as the person I will likely marry. I truly believed these thoughts. These thoughts were influenced by so many different sources, including culture. Clearly, this is not even close to what FAITH really is. After meeting Guruji, I see that I lived under so many conditions, many of which were operating subconsciously within me making me to act or take decisions without the real clarity. Guruji’s prayers are nothing I have ever seen in all the churches or temples that I’ve been too. He showed me that nobody can tell you how to pray or how to show your faith or devotion. Whenever I have kept the FAITH on Guruji, I’ve really experienced life in such a great manner. This is not to say that I did not have any problems just because I was with the Guru. The problems may have been there, but I did not see it that way whenever I carried Guruji within my heart. Somehow the faith on the master gets you through even what you might think is impossible on a regular day. Essentially, the Guru has helped me increase my consciousness and self-awareness. His guidance has helped me get to the reality more often (instead of seeing things with my perception which is just influenced by thoughts that are not real). I am certainly far from enlightened, but the increased awareness is truly a blessing. As my mother had in her home, I too created a prayer area in my home. However, when I am living in the reality as Guruji has shown me, I feel there is no use for me to sit in a beautiful prayer room and complete prayers, if first I am not showing compassion, forgiveness, love and care to my own family members (and even to myself!). I am continuing to work towards living in the reality to enjoy the presence, and get into the humanity. It is not an easy journey whenever I have let external circumstances affect me. However, as I said earlier, whenever I have carried Guruji close in my heart, it has been a very enjoyable journey.
Thought Traps
Before meeting Guruji, I 100% believed in my thoughts and thought I was always right. I was very stubborn also in my thoughts. I would not say that went away instantly upon meeting Guruji, however slowly my mind was being opened to develop the self-awareness and consciousness that I spoke about earlier. However, some stubbornness I had on my internal thoughts (example: ‘I must get married’, ‘I must have a child’) and letting myself get influenced by surroundings (example family suggesting that I should be married with kids by a certain age) really did not allow me to put my full faith on Guruji. I will admit that I did drop my faith at times, which led me to take certain decisions in my life without Guruji’s guidance. See, when my mental stubborness was strong, my faith became weak. Or, it could be that when my faith became weak, my mental stubborness and lack of clarity increased, which led to certain decisions in my life without the guidance. I had left the Guru Peedam temporarily. It's not that I didn't love Guruji/Guru Peedam. There is a special place for Guruji in my heart. However, I wasn't living with my heart. I let myself become strongly influenced. I used to encounter people always that used to ask me when I will get married, and basically I was feeling pressure to marry . Also, internally I had developed certain thoughts that I was unaware of (e.g. if you dont marry, something is wrong with you, or you are not worthy/lovable unless you are married).
All said and done, I did get married and we have a beautiful child. Being very honest, my Guruji would have not supported this decision, and somewhere I knew this and I kept my distance from Guruji/Guru Peedam members. In fact, Guruji is like my conscience in some ways. When I see him/keep him at the forefront of what I do, I know I am taking the right step for my life. He always says there is no good or bad, but we should live honest to our own self without hurting anyone. Nowadays with all the external influences (media/culture/society/friends), it's very easy to live without self-honesty. We can easily trick ourselves with our mind thoughts to think we are doing the right thing for our lives. At least, this has been my experience.
After going through more experiences in my life with being married and having a young child, I felt that I needed to be connected with my Guruji as I was not exper. I was blessed to be in the presence of my Guru again. I would say I was on the verge of getting a divorce and raising a child on my own. With Guru’s grace, I am not only still married but slowly learning to show the compassion towards my husband. Whereas my perception was that divorce was the only solution, Guruji helped me to see marriage and family as an opportunity to practice acceptance and humanity first and foremost.
Practice
When I met Guruji, I really did not have any responsibilities. I had so much time and opportunities to practice his teachings. Now, 10 years later, I have a husband and a child. In retrospect, I now see that it would have been so great if I had put in the practice/applied the teachings of Guruji all these years. I have certainly procrastinated, but it's never too late. Nowadays, Guruji has helped me see the value of my marriage and family, and how to practice acceptance/love/forgiveness and care not only with them but also with myself.I used to think practice was just getting up early and doing some yoga, but Guruji has shown me that every moment is an opportunity to practice what Guruji has taught. The teachings of the Guru are like sand on a beach; what Guruji has to share seems infinite. I am not enlightened to realize everything, but I feel that even “one grain of sand” that Guruji has imparted to me has carried my life in ways that I just cannot explain in words.
I admit, I did not practice consistently. However, there was a time that I did practice often, and I would think about my Guruji every single day. I carried him with me everywhere in my heart. At that time, I simply did some practices because Guruji advised without any second thought. I began to see the internal changes where I was not bothered by the external circumstances. I used to take the bus in -40 degree Celsius, and sometimes walk home for 45 minutes when working in Sudbury. All my friends had moved back to Toronto and was sort of isolated over there, but I felt content and calm inside. What I learned from Guruji is that if we practice with the faith, build up our capacity and energy, we can get the internal calmness that allows us to more easily accept the external circumstances. With acceptance, I am able to maintain an internally great feeling. When living with the great feelings, I am able to show more love to myself and to others.
As I mentioned earlier, I had dropped off from Guruji/Guru Peedam and did not live with his guidance for many years. Now that I am order and have had more time to strengthen my mind thoughts and lack of discipline, it is much harder to get on the track towards internal calmness and joy.
Relationships & Humanity
Before meeting Guruji, I would have friends and I would “help” my friends or other people. I thought I was a nice person, but I realized I was pleasing people to get something in return (e.g. a sense of worthiness, or a favor when I needed it, or recognition). After meeting Guruji, I learned about the significant difference between the word “HELP” others and “SERVE” others.
Guruji has shown me that every small thing/act matters. Even simple acts like making your bed and cleaning a dish after you use it helped me to build the respect. A small discipline like responding to an email within a few hours, even if it is to just acknowledge the person and say you will get back to them. See, before meeting Guruji, my ONLY discipline was to study and work hard. I was very spoiled growing up; my only task was to study. I never had to clean or cook. I grew up thinking that if I have higher education and a good job, I am worthy as a human being. Guruji has helped me to see the value of not only myself but everyone for the simple fact that we are humans. He is also helping me to see the true meaning of the word HUMAN and HUMANITY. As I mentioned earlier, I thought I demonstrated humanity because I was helping. Guruji helped me to see that I was not even respecting or serving my own self, my own household members or my own personal belongings. I started to do small things like make my bed daily, wash my dish right away and show gratitude for the little things each day. These tasks are helping me to build up the respect and humanity.
Even the practices that Guruji used to give us, I would approach these how I did as a student in school. I wanted to be # 1 at doing these practices because of my competitive nature I built up as a school student. If Guruji said do deep breathing for 15 minutes, I would time myself. I was doing everything systematically and would get frustrated if I wasn’t able to meet this standard I set within myself, or compared myself to others at Guru Peedam who I thought were doing all the practices so easily. I was missing the picture. Nowadays, I am approaching these practices with respect, love and acceptance for myself. I love to do the deep breathing and wake up earlier, not only because Guruji has guided us to do this, but also because I have faith that anything Guruji is advising me to do is great for my life.
Sujee Kulasingham
